Loneliness. For years, I heard the definition: "Loneliness is our friend because it forces us to enjoy the fellowship of God as much as we would the company of others." This true adage is easy to flippantly toss at someone else and quite hard to believe in the dark moments when I feel so very alone. Why would my God, who I know loves me with an everlasting love, let me walk through this season? Having been spoiled with so many awesome friends, who are now on the other side of the world, why does He now allow this gaping void? The absence of tangible friends and family that I can see, laugh with, and give a hug to makes me ask these uncomfortable questions. Is this punishment for hanging on too tightly to people? Is it simply a lesson of dependence on Christ alone? Is it so I learn humility and admit my need for friendship to complete strangers? Is it so I learn patience or thankfulness? Or is it so that I can empathize with others who are experiencing the same pangs? I wish I knew.
Perhaps in a few days, a few months, or a few years, I will look back and smile, now possessing profound insight into God's plan. For now, as I wade through, I choose to wipe away the tears, and through gritted teeth declare aloud again and again, that my God is good, and He loves me enough to seek my best. As the hours of silence stretch on, I know I will be forced to search my heart again and see if I really believe God.
This "friend" of loneliness currently feels more like a despised enemy that I prefer to politely avoid. In this current discomfort, I ask God to use this foe to change me and grow my ability to trust and cling to Him alone.
